With LGBTQ rights making big advances, more same sex couples are coming forth to dismantle the stereotype that their relationships are superficial and brief. "The truth is they can be just as committed and loving as heterosexual couples. They can also have the same types of conflict; family, finances, household chores, parenting and so on. Any two people trying to live together are going to run into disagreements. There are a few things, however, that are unique to same-sex couples," says Madhu Kundra, a psychological counselor who has extensively counseled people who belong to the LGBTQ community.
One of the most difficult aspects for same-sex couples can be keeping a boundary between lovers and friends. "In a heterosexual relationship, the boundaries are clearly marked by sex. A man may spend a 'night out with the boys' without engendering feelings of insecurity in his partner. Likewise, a woman could go to a bridal shower with no concerns on the part of her husband. Should he want to have dinner with an ex-girlfriend, however, or if her workout trainer is a man, there may be some tension," says Madhu and adds, "In same sex relationships there is no such division—most friends and exes are of the same sex as the couple. They also tend to share the same friendship circle. It would be weird, therefore, if one half of the couple socialized with their friends while the other stayed home. In fact, exes are often part of the friendship circle, making it even more awkward."
So how does one handle these dynamics? "There is no one way to handle this situation, but as it is healthy for every couple to spend some time apart, it would be wise to agree to some rules at the beginning of the relationship. For example, if one partner was friends with 'XYZ' long before the couple got together, it might be agreed that occasional get-togethers with just the two of them would be OK. Or maybe the rule is not attending parties alone if an ex is going to be there," says Namrata Sharma (name changed on request) a sexual minority woman.
Madhu says it is best to discuss underlying fears and where they are coming from long before the situation arises. "Remember, though, that it is not useful to get angry or make light of your partner's fears. Defensiveness tends to exacerbate the fear. Make sure they feel heard and that you respect what they are saying before you start reassuring," she advices.
Another issue unique to same-sex couples is that each partner may be at a different level of comfort with being 'out.' Madhu explains, "One partner may be comfortable with holding hands or kissing in public. The other may not be there yet, or may have more fears about negative repercussions. In this scenario, it is good to remember that each person is entitled to develop in his/her own way. Pushing your partner to be at your level is unfair and insensitive. If it is a major area of conflict, it might be helpful to see a therapist to gain understanding of each other's viewpoints and find a place of compromise."
Same sex relationships can be particularly tough when it comes to family. Many stories have been written about in-law troubles, but in same-sex couples there is an additional layer of conflict. "It may be that one partner is not yet 'out' to his or her parents, which puts the other in an awkward position. Or perhaps they are out, but the parents are not accepting. Here too because each person, couple and situation is unique, the answers have to be worked out by each individual couple," reasons Madhu.
All things considered when it comes to relationships, a certain amount of conflict is normal. How you handle it, however, is what makes the difference between a healthy, lasting relationship and one that ends bitterly. "LGBTQ couples must understand this basic fact and realise that it applies to them as much as it applies to their heterosexual counterparts," concludes Madhu.
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