Here is Some 'Coming Out' Advice

Coming out can be difficult and takes courage. Some people will welcome the news immediately. Others might have a less positive response or take longer to adapt. Therefore it is important to think about how you want to tell people and how the conversation might go with various people in your life. Even though coming out can be a challenge, it can also be incredibly liberating. Many people see it as the first step to living authentically as themselves. 

Telling people about your sexual orientation or gender identity is often called 'coming out'. Coming out is not necessarily a one-off event – lesbian, gay bi, trans, queer, questioning and ace (LGBTQ+) people often have to come out many times during their lives. It is also an incredibly unique process as people face different challenges when coming out.

According to psychologists there is no 'right' way to come out. "Some people prefer to tell everybody at once, for example by posting on social media. Others move more slowly, sharing the news with one person or group at a time. You might feel comfortable being open about your sexual orientation and gender identity only with certain groups, or you might decide that you don't want to be 'out' in every context. Everything is ok as long as you are comfortable. Coming out is also only a part of your LGBTQ+ journey, and while it may be an important one for many people, it doesn't define who you are, or the ways in which you love and accept yourself," says Radhika Bose, a counselor who has worked closely with LGBTQ individuals.

Coming out can be difficult and takes courage. Some people will welcome the news immediately. Others might have a less positive response or take longer to adapt. Therefore according to Radhika it is important to think about how you want to tell people and how the conversation might go with various people in your life. "Even though coming out can be a challenge, it can also be incredibly liberating. Many people see it as the first step to living authentically as themselves," shares Mala Dutta a transwoman.

So why come out?

Most psychiatrists and wellness experts believe that whether you have come to terms with your sexual orientation or gender identity, or you are still thinking about it, it can be difficult dealing with everything on your own. "You may get to a point where you need to talk about it with someone – either to get support or simply to get it off your chest. Hiding who you are from others often means lying and pretending, and that becomes exhausting after a while. It can take your focus and energy away from other important things in your life," explains Radhika.

You might also want to come out because you think the experience will be exciting and liberating. You might want to introduce people to your partner, look for a new relationship, or simply connect with the LGBTQ+ community and other people who have the same sexual orientation or gender identity as you.

"Don't feel under pressure to come out, whether that pressure's coming from yourself or others. Take your time and trust your feelings – only you will know when you are comfortable and ready to go ahead. If you decide not to come out, that's OK too – your sexuality or gender identities are still completely valid," assures Asha Kakoti (name changed on request), a sexual minority woman.

Many people might be surprised, some may have lots of questions, some may not know what to say and some may have even guessed already after you 'come out.'

"It's a good idea to start by choosing a friend you trust and who you think will be supportive. You can also decide whether you want to tell them in person (whether that's in public or private), over the phone, or via a letter or message," says Radhika.

"If a friend reacts badly, remember they might just need some time to absorb what you have told them. Although you can't predict what people will say or do, when you tell a close friend that you trust, the chances are they'll feel privileged you felt able to share something so personal with them," says Asha and goes on to add that family acceptance is actually the bigger hurdle.

"It's worth acknowledging that coming out could be a bit of a surprise to them – while you've probably had a long time to get used to your identity, your family will be hearing the news for the first time," says Radhika. In a bid to ease the process she explains, "Try to tell them at a time when you will be able to talk things through properly. Coming out when you're arguing or angry isn't a good idea. Some people tell their family face to face, while others prefer to write a letter or send an email. Your family might be shocked, worried, or find it difficult to accept at first. If you're upset by their reaction, it's ok to end the conversation until they have had more time to process the news. Remember that their first reaction is not necessarily how they will feel forever."

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