Parenting is an LGBTQ right too...actually

Nurturing an offspring is a natural instinct of every mammal. And human beings irrespective of biological gender or their gender orientatuin/disposition are no exception. Simply put, lesbiasn, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning people too have the same parenting instincts like heterosexuals. It is needless to say that for people under this spectrum having a biological child is either an unattainable proposition or compromise . Yes indeed because there are cases of lesbian mothers and bisexual parents...but the unadulterated fact is that they have children with partners (of the opposite sex) who they are genetically and psychologically not truly wired to.

According to a section of psychologists this in itself is a very closeted situation and has it's own set of ramifications in terms of patenting. "After all when a mother or father is not feeling complete and normal in her marital relationship he/she is bound to eventually exhibit some forms of discrepancies in terms of parenting, observes Madhu Kundra a psychiatrist.

Well many countries and states today have legalised adoption rights for the LGBTQ community. However a teeming number have not and infact are visibly admonishing and prohibiting in their stance. We leave the legal debate for posterity and focus on the social and individual realities of parenting a child for this community.

Sima Gogoi (name changed) is a lawyer in Upper Assam. She belongs to a conventional family and is in her early thirties. In her words , "The pressure to get married is enormous for me but I am resisting as long as I can for I know that I am attracted to woman. I do not have a partner and would perhaps be okay living without one my entire life but I definitely feel the need to nurture a child. This is not very difficult as in India single women can qualify for adoption if they meet the requisite criterion in terms of financial independence and other factors. However I am uncomfortable adopting a child by not pronouncing my sexual preferences. I know if I state this openly while undergoing the adopting formalities I might well be denied my right to adopt. Also I feel the problem does not end here. A child eventually grows up and is privy to every aspect of the parent/parents. When he or she gets to know about my sexual orientation the child might be accepting or might be perturbed. This is not a risk that I am prepared for frankly, "says Seema.

Agreeing to this vein of reasoning Madhu Kundra says "LGBTQ individuals have complete rights to parenting . However the child too must feel comfortable and psychologically assured about every aspect in their equation. If any potential parent has apprehensions like Sima it is not advisable to adopt."

Akshay a transman who lives in a upscale colony of Delhi has a different story. "I am a painter by profession and I give lessons to children from slum areas for free as a voluntary service . I love children. I have adopted two little boys who are my students. I am now very much their parent in spirit and responsibility. But no they do not live in my house. I have let them continue to live with their biological parents. Since they are uneducated and very poor I look after Raju and Rajivs educational expenses and secure them with their monthly provisions that include food, clothes, the occasional toys and treats, medicines and many miscellaneous items. They call me Papa Dost and are aware of my gender realities. they have absolutely no reservations sharing the details of their everyday lives with me and look up to me for guidance and love. And that is my reward. The equation is priceless and completes me ," he says.

However not all people in this community are as lucky as Akshay.

Knowing that your parent or foster parent has a gender identity that is beyond the conventional prism can be daunting, according to Kundra. "And the greatest battle perhaps that the children (biological or adopted) of this tribe will face is asserting this truth among their peers. After all while debates, discussions and dialogues in the rainbow spectrum are starting to steer in very positive directions it is a fact that many many people in society are admonishing in their stance with respect to this community. Needless to say the children of such people are not going to be any different. Now while adults are much more likely to exercise restraint while publicly expressing their views children, especially the younger ones are an unbridled lot. Therefore it is very likely that children raised by people in the LGBTQ spectrum will draw ridicule and provocation from their peer group," she explains.

However although these realities remain the battle is not insurmountable. "Accepting the challenges of a situation is the first step towards resolution and progress and in this case too it is not any different, "says Kundra and adds, " History too is replete with instances of transgenders raising children very lovingly.

So what are some of the ways in which one can move ahead in this very sensitive turf?

" While there are no straitjacketed formulas I would say that love and more love is the key. In my years of experience as a counsellor I have dealt with the angsts of gay men, lesbian women and even transgenders in relation to the desire to raise a child. I have observed one thing these people are usually more empathetic and unconditional in their idea of love and support for a child. They do not come with the conventional baggage of pressures for a child-that he or she has to be uber successful in academics or superlative and minus flaws as a human being. As we all know unrealistic expectations often backfire and hinder a child's growth. So I guess I should safely say that in my opinion people from the LGBTQ community, atleast many of them have the reserves of love, patience and affection within them that can eventually help their children to surmount the uncomfortable situations he/she might face socially in relation to their parents gender disposition."

Needless to say building through gender sensitization workshops in schools and colleges, staging plays and theatre on penning fiction and creating knowledge products on LGBTQ centric themes can go a long way in dispelling hostility and translating to greater acceptance.

Also it is very important that the parents themselves (foster and even biological) are self assured and confident about themselves in their roles. It is only then that they can allay the conflicts of the child. " A pragmatic, balanced and composed attitude in terms of dealing with the social resistance will work rather than a defensive over explaining attitude in the long run," says Kundra.

Last but not the least parenting required emotional maturity and not mere biological ability. "The LGBTQ community can and must go forward in reiterating this truth in the years to come. The hurdles will come but they can be hurled right back with love, " concludes Kundra.

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