Mothers with empty arms

Dr. Rijusmita Sarma

(The writer is a counselling psychologist.

Can be reached at 8638716076)

Bearing a child and nurturing a human being can be an experience of mixed flavours. But mostly, it is a life-enhancing and fulfilling addition to life. Being a mother is often considered a blessing that comes very naturally after marriage/cohabitation. But childlessness is also a reality. Childlessness can be voluntary, meaning it can be a conscious decision on the part of an adult not to be a parent. Often, this choice is judged as defying the norms of reproduction. Irrespective of the reasons, this decision needs to be respected, as every adult has the right to decide about embracing parenthood. There is also involuntary childlessness, where an adult wishes to become a parent but is unable to do so due to infertility, multiple miscarriages, etc. Involuntary childlessness can affect diverse areas of an adult’s life, irrespective of gender, but women are seen to be more affected than men. 

Although there may not be an apparent death, people with involuntary childlessness experience a sense of grief about a future they had planned and imagined with their children. Most of the time, the loss of an unborn child is not acknowledged, leaving the sense of grief unseen and unattended. Many couples with multiple miscarriages have revealed a lack of social support after their loss. These can lead to various physical health issues, depression, anxiety, and signs of complicated bereavement. Going through repeated cycles of assisted reproductive technology (ART) can be associated with emotional upheavals. It is associated with anxiety about the procedures and outcomes and a sense of bereavement in the event of failed attempts. Literature reveals that women even refer to the eggs (in the case of ARTs) and embryos (in the case of miscarriages) as ‘they’ which shows that they feel connected to their eggs and embryos as their children, making it evident about the significance of the loss for them. Social support may be lacking for two reasons. One is difficulty in asking for help. Often, the pain of going through miscarriages or repeated cycles of ARTs is not shared, and keeping things to oneself becomes a habit. Asking for help and support becomes difficult. Also, people might feel clueless about how to approach a person experiencing involuntary childlessness, especially if they have children of their own. Thus, accepting and receiving support becomes a challenge. 

In the case of couples with involuntary childlessness, if both partners have different ways of coping, it becomes a reason for conflict and a decrease in communication. Eventually, they experience loneliness even when they are together in the loss. People with involuntary childlessness might also experience loneliness in a social context, as they might find it difficult to relate to and connect with their friends who now have children. They might feel they do not have anything to share or contribute to discussions when it’s mostly about children. They do not get to experience things like being friends with the parents of their children’s friends, the chats at school gates, participating in schoolwork, etc. This leads to a feeling of isolation and exclusion. 

A sense of hopelessness might also be experienced as one needs to let go of a future they had dreamed of with their children. There might be a feeling that nothing is waiting for them, leading to a sense of lack of purpose. It can lead to a sense of meaninglessness in life. 

Involuntary childlessness often brings along a sense of shame and failure. Childless women are perceived as flawed and incapable, as motherhood is considered to be an absolute requisite to becoming a ‘complete’ woman. It is associated with one’s ‘worth’ or ‘value’. This brings a sense of inadequacy and alienation, adding to the pain of involuntary childlessness. Not only womanhood but ‘life’ itself is considered incomplete without children.

There might also be fear and anxiety about their relationship with their partner. They might have a fear of being abandoned. As they sometimes conclude themselves to be inadequate and undesirable, they apprehend the possibility of their partners finding someone else, which would mean experiencing another loss. 

Thus, involuntary childlessness can be a much more painful experience than it appears to be. 

What can be done? 

Literature reveals the type of coping we resort to in cases of involuntary childlessness. There are two types of coping styles: active and passive. Active and problem-focused coping styles include strategies such as seeking help, sharing and connecting with people experiencing similar life situations, and finding alternative purposes that could add meaning to life. Passive coping styles include withdrawal, remaining fixated on children, etc. It is said that the passive coping style is seen to worsen distress in a difficult situation. But also, involuntary childlessness is a chronic situation, so the effect of coping style cannot be straightforwardly concluded. 

Sometimes difficulty accepting reality as it is and accepting our emotions as they are leads to an increase in distress. Accepting reality as it is (which takes a considerable amount of time and effort) saves us from a war brewing within us. Accepting the emotions as they are helps us work on them and deal with them more healthily. 

Social support can play a crucial role. Not judging them for their experiences and the emotional consequences of those experiences is important. Instead of advising them about how they should be or what they need to do, we can choose to listen to them. Also, we can give them the liberty to choose how they wish to be supported. 

People have also shared that finding someone or something else helps them regain their lost sense of purpose. It adds meaning to their lives and helps them move ahead. A lady who had lost her unborn twins chose to work for underprivileged children. Another lady decided to do ‘children’s book illustrations’ and write poetry for children. A man with involuntary childlessness chose to write books for children. These conscious choices to find meaning in life after a loss can be immensely helpful. 

Ceasing to consider motherhood as a prerequisite to complete womanhood can never be overemphasised. Womanhood is not marriage, and it’s not motherhood either. Every person can have their own idea of womanhood, but it is important not to make it dependent on another identity. It is an independent concept with multiple facets. It can be an embodiment of love, warmth, and nurturing. It is said that womanhood is more about how we make others feel in our presence. Let’s not try to define and restrict the concept of womanhood. And our worth as women or humans doesn’t definitely depend on childbirth. 

Grief is said to be ‘love with nowhere to go’. Involuntary childlessness can leave a lot of love directionless in our hearts, and we are surely going to miss the children we have lost. But we can always let our desire to love and nurture find a way, and the address doesn’t always have to be the doorstep of our biological children. The world needs love and nurture, and it can never have these beautiful blessings ‘more than required’. Motherhood is more of a feeling and an intention than mere biology. The arms may be empty, but the hearts are full of love.