Shades of Love: I

Dr. Rijusmita Sarma

(The writer is a counselling psychologist.

Can be reached at 8638716076

Love is as mystique as life itself. And since ancient times, love has been of great interest to storytellers, poets, and philosophers. Love is mysterious enough to ignite the curiosity of social psychologists as well. But, interestingly, social psychologists did not attempt to study love systematically until the 1970s. However, since then, love has been an interesting topic of research. Just as with ‘life’, we might have different views of ‘love’ as well, but both of these topics are yet to be fully understood. 

In this article, we will focus on certain theories of love proposed by social psychologists. 

Love is described as something more than friendship and something different from a mere romantic or sexual interest in another person. According to Beall and Strenberg (1995), the specific details of the phenomenon of love may vary from culture to culture, but Hatfield and Rapson (1993) have shared that it is a universal one. 

One very popular theory of love was proposed by Strenberg, known as Strenberg’s triangular model of love. According to Sternberg, love has three basic components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. Here, intimacy is described as “the closeness two people feel and the strength of the bond that holds them together,”  passion is described as “romance, physical attraction, and sexuality,” and commitment represents the cognitive factors, including the decision of wanting to be with the other person and maintaining the relationship permanently. The possibilities of a combination of these components (considering only one, any two, or all three of them) yield seven different types of relationships. They are:

Infatuation: Passion alone; liking: intimacy alone; empty love: commitment alone; romantic love: intimacy and passion; companionate love: intimacy and commitment; fatuous love: passion and commitment; and the ideal type of relationship is consummate love, which has elements of intimacy, passion, and commitment. 

Some other forms of love are described by social psychologists. 

n Passionate love: It is described as a form of love where an intense, overwhelming, and surging positive response is felt for another person. It is often felt to be beyond one’s control and is also considered to be true love at the time, as the person can mostly think only of the loved one. But it is too intense to be maintained as a permanent emotional state.

n Unrequited love: where a person falls in love but the feelings aren’t reciprocated by the partner.

n Companionate love: It is based on the bond of friendship between two people who are sexually attracted. They share a lot in common and have mutual respect, liking, and care for each other. 

n Game-playing love: Behaviour as having two lovers at once is considered to be game-playing love. It is considered to be the most undesirable form of love. 

n Possessive love: It is preoccupied with the fear of losing one’s partner.

n Logical love: It is based on decisions about the suitability of a partner.

n Selfless love: Here, partners choose to go through pain rather than letting their partner go through the same.

Some more theories: 

n Studies were also conducted to understand the chemistry of love. They suggested that in love, the brain is flooded with neurotransmitters such as adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin. It is also said that this biological reaction is reflected in the behaviour, tone, and speed of voice rather than the content of speech. 

n In the 1980s, Caryl Rusbult proposed the investment model, which suggests why people choose to commit or not and why they choose to stay in unhappy relationships. She explained it through a mathematical equation: 

Commitment = Investment (Rewards- costs) – attractive alternatives. 

n According to the matching hypothesis proposed by Elaine Hatfield and her colleagues, people are likely to form relationships with partners who resemble them and hold similar social positions and levels of intelligence. 

n According to filter modelling shared by Alan Kerckhoff and Keith Davis, relationships go through three filtering stages. The first stage involves assessing similarities in background, education, etc.; the second stage considers similar beliefs and attitudes; and the third stage focuses on complementing each other’s needs. People who are found to be very different are filtered out.

n Psychologist Mark Knapp envisaged two flights of stairs (upwards and downwards) and a plateau indicating the steps of building a relationship, the steps of a couple breaking up, and the maintenance of the bond, respectively. According to this model:

The steps to building a relationship are:

n Initiating: This is a very short period of the initial interaction where things like appearance, voice, dress, body language, etc. are considered.

n Experimenting: The two people try to know more about each other by probing for information and finding common interests to decide whether to continue the relationship.

n Intensifying: Both parties share more personal information, and they start nurturing the relationship and expecting commitment from each other.

n Integrating: The closeness increases, and both partners integrate aspects of their lives and make declarations of love.

n Bonding: They intertwine into each other’s lives and have discussions about making the bond permanent, either through marriage or other means. 

In the maintenance stage, Knapp discusses tools for maintaining a relationship (which will be discussed in the following article of the series).

The steps to breaking up a relationship are:

n Differing: As stress increases, they see themselves less as a couple and more as individuals.

n Circumscribing: Meaningful communications reduce or stop as barriers are created due to resentment.

n Stagnating: Communication becomes even more limited, and the couple may decide to stay together only for reasons like having children.

n Avoiding: Communication becomes non-existent, and they lie in individual lives. They may reconsider getting back together to avoid the pain of a permanent separation.

n Terminating: The relationship is over. They live in separate homes and live completely different lives.

Psychologist Anne Levinson also describes five stages of progress and decline in a relationship. They are: attraction, buildup, commitment, deterioration, and ending.

These models may help us introspect about our own relationships, develop insight about where things may go wrong, and navigate ways to make necessary changes. 

These theories, along with our experiences, may help us develop a better understanding of love. But demystifying this beautiful phenomenon might take more than a lifetime.  In the following article of this series, we will discuss theories focusing on healthy and unhealthy romantic relationships and some helpful ways that can be considered for nurturing our bonds.