Strong Will in Children Should be Channelized Well

My ten year old daughter was born into our family with a hefty dose of strong will. From the very initial days she was difficult to comfort and would cry off on a tangent. I would look around me and observe other families with happy easy babies going on with their daily life. And here I was struggling to manage my baby, my home and my work!

As my daughter gradually blossomed she was constantly testing my patience. I began to wonder if strong will was a genetic trait.

Some children seem to be born willful. As infants they are difficult to comfort and push the spoon away while being fed. When they become toddlers they are disagreeable about everything, demand their own way and refuse to cooperate. Tantrums may be a daily occurrence. As they move through their school age days, they seem to lose the ability to hear the simplest requests; arguments are frequent, and defiance is the norm.

In relation to my strong willed daughter, I was initially at a loss as to how to go about handling and managing her willful nature.

Finally I read up on toddlers with strong will. Then I realised that strong willed children require guidance. They require extra patience. They require strong leaders (parents) who gently, but firmly, remind them that they still have much to learn – that their way is not always the best way. They require parents who can teach them how to channel that strong will into useful pursuits, which sometimes seems daunting.

There have been times in the midst of handling my daughter when I have felt like I was teaching a brick wall. There have been times when I have felt like I was going backwards instead of forwards. There have been times when I have desperately wanted to throw my hands in the air and scream, and times when I have done just that. But there have also been moments when I have felt like I was the student instead of the teacher. There have been moments when I have sat back and watched, in awe of the drive and conviction that is coming from that same child. In those moments, I have seen small glimpses of the greatness that is within – the greatness that is still in the process of emerging from its cocoon.

During the course of my parenting journey I have come up with a few pointers which have been helping me daily. Both I and my daughter are evolving each day and discovering varied nuances every day and may I add we are the best of friends on most days. Until the next day she decides she is not going to speak with me ever again!! Jokes apart I can really observe the fruits of the effort put in by us as a team and it makes me a proud parent to see her grow every day.

I have come up with the following points:

• Less talk-more action. Keep instructions short and clear.

• Let your child know what is expected and the consequence if he/she chooses not to comply

• Follow through with stated consequences each and every time! They will continuously test to see if consequences are consistent and predictable.

• Whatever you do, do not nag. It will only irritate.

• Emphasize that you believe in their capability to make good choices. Always remember, negative messages are met with resistance and positive ones with compliance.

• Recognize when you have been caught up in the "negative loop". Negative behaviors lead to intense responses, intense responses feed negative energy and so forth.

• The most important thing to remember is that discipline must NEVER be administered in anger.

Last but not the least, whenever we set boundaries we should always ensure that we keep them. Modern science has proved that sporadically reinforced behavior is very difficult to extinguish.

To all parents of strong willed children out there- Hold on, it's going to be eventually a wonderful journey.

Happy Parenting!

Gariasi Dutta

Psychological Counsellor

Down town hospital

dutta.gariasi@gmail.com

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