When Harassment Replaces Love in Wedlock

Ester Rani Thin Sin

(The Writer can be reached at ester.rani2008@gmail.com)

In life we cannot have everything we want and must compromise by settling for situations that seem relatively close to our ideals, or the closest we can get given our circumstances. Compromises involve dissatisfied acceptance of a gap between a perceived feasible desire and our actual situation. In a compromise, we are in a situation we have chosen to be in, but which we prefer to be different. Our choice stems from the fact that we are limited creatures, that we cannot always meet our norms or achieve our ideals, and that we sometimes have to settle for something less than we might want. This is true that this so-called compromise is more accepted by women than men. This compromise is taught to us since the day we first open our eyes on Earth.

Since Middle age to the modern age, there are many national movements which we can never forget have been brought about by many social reformers for eliminating social evils and also empowering women. But my question is: in spite of so many reforms, movements and even rules made by the Government, why are all woman not given equality? Equality not by means of education or job or the where balance sheet could be captured, but equality in relationship, mainly which we believe to be made by God in our culture, the relationship of husband and wife?

One of the serious public problem in the entire world is women harassment. Eveteasing, sexual harassment, attacking and crimes on women all come under women harassment. What if a married women get all this from her husband? What if she bear all this as she has been taught that he is her God? If God Krishna could maintain all relationship with his wife, (svakiya-rasa (married relationship) and parakiya-rasa (a relationship signified with eternal mental love), then why could not all men do this? All are not spiritual, but why and up to what degree a women should bear physical and sexual harassment by her men?

Among all harassment, sexual harassment is a universal problem whether in developed, developing or under developed nation. Victims are mainly women. Sexual harassment could take place anywhere, at any time, by anyone and in any form. It could happen at public places, schools, educational institutes, workplace, even at home. Sexual harassment can be verbal (comments about your body, spreading sexual rumours, sexual remarks or accusations, dirty jokes or stories), physical (grabbing, rubbing, flashing or mooning, touching, pinching in a sexual way, sexual assault) or visual (display of naked pictures or sex-related objects, obscene gestures). Sexual harassment can happen to girls and boys. Sexual harassers can be fellow students, teachers, principals, janitors, coaches, and other school officials. This literature reveals sexual harassment to a married women by her husband.

Sexual abuse in marriage is not something that is readily disclosed or discussed. It feels shameful to admit even to oneself that one's own husband treats her as if her sole purpose is to provide him her body whenever and however he wants sex. But that is not God’s intent for her as a woman or as a wife. Generally, one-sided love constitutes greater difficulties than one-sided sex, as it affects more aspects of a couple’s life. I focus here only on the issue of one-sided sex. Here I am placing a true story of a women who got harassed for 15 years by her husband. I am not ashamed to place the story of Arati as she was not, because it may inspire other.

*Arati was startled awake when she felt her husband yank her nightgown up and pull her legs apart. She tried to push him off her but he was too strong as he pinned her down to their bed with his body weight. This wasn’t the first time he forced himself on her but this time was the worst to bear him because she came to know about his relationship with other women. This night Arun was rougher than usual and she felt it would never end. She bit her lips together and lied on bed like a lifeless doll. Their two little children were asleep next to her in their bed and all she could think of was “Please God, don’t let them wake up and see this.” This was fifteen years of their married life and she found herself nothing more than a prostitute who have their own choice but not she. Arati is a habitat of Kamrup district. There is many more Arati who silently bear all giving blame to her destiny. I found 15 of them in two habitations of same district, but I am damn sure there are many more who never dare to speak it out. Maybe to save the mask of prestige from their family or other for no option left out rather than to bear. A known organization working against sexual harassment “Me Too” reported that during their survey they found that 80 per cent women never report harassment. I want to call her a Prostitute who is bound to give sexual pleasure to one who don’t love her a bit. May not for payment but to live a prestigious married life in society. “The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less.” — Brendan Francis. I call her a Prostitute because she also stop loving her husband as she could clearly feel every touch of him then and now when he is in a extra relationship. Prostitutes are way better than marriage. What is the use of buying a whole cow if he only wants a glass of milk? Among these 15 husbands of 15 different Aratis, this extra relationship was not only with an adult but with 70 per cent was money and power. In better India to live in relationship by a married person is no more a crime, this improved mindset is a result of freedom, privacy, profession, education and also globalization. But what about the torture the partner have to bear due to this relationship? What legal ruling threatens could be done to save the life of millions of women who are forced to live a slavery like life? Not only in low category, in middle and even in high class family such Aratis exist in every class of society, maybe one in every 100 or more.

Since I crossed the doorstep of Childhood, I was always knocked by my mother or the grand people of our family before going out of home either to school or to the playground. Sometime it was that much that I was bound to give up my desire of going out. I never got any limitations in case of education but it was in case of freedom. Then I was small and could not protest as I had no idea why they were behaving like that. I was always confused and searching for the abnormality I had due to which my parents had to be more conscious about me rather than my brother. A kind of suffocation has grown up inside me. A protestant mind grew up within me when I studied a lesion in my Assamese text book in class VIII. It was the story of a women named “Bhodori”. She was married to an uncivilized, unmannered man who often abused her and tortured her. Bhodori was silent not because she was weak but because she respects her husband within whom she sees her God. She was not an illiterate but often bear her uneducated husband’s slang language. One day Bhodori spoke out and hit her husband when he tried to kill her for no cause. Since that day I use to read out that chapter very loud at home almost every day. It gave me strength and make me realize that we have also right to live free.

Education has been identified as the major instrument for raising the status of women. The Gurukul system of education of the Ancient age also reflects some of the examples of educated women like Kaushalya, the mother of Rama, Tara, the wife of Bali, Draupadi, the wife of Pandavas. In middle age of British rule Kadambini Ganguli, Chandramukhi Basu are known as first graduates. Tremendous changes have been witnessed in this modern age too. It is 200 years passed from the middle age but still 100 per cent women are not educated, not given equality. Hence Aratis could not be completely eliminated from the society as yet.

Sadhguru said, “Sunlight comes into your house not because you want it, but because you open the window. It is time we found out the mysterious fact about why all women are not educated or lillerate but not educated. It is high time we educated all Aruns or else the number of Aratis will increase, and we will find lives without life in many married women. Educated women may live a life of hell if their men stay uneducated. Arati will live a life of Prostitute for 15 years or more till death or dig a well of her own so that she will be a life herself. Is being a girl a punishment? Is being a girl means losing her own self respect and still working for her family, for others?